Apr 26, 2011

on coming back to life

I was driving along with Julia next to me in the passenger seat when I had a little introspective epiphany. We had just handed Lara and her over-night bag over to Sander, who was taking her on the second part of her journey to her Oma Marianne's house, where she'll be spending a few nights. The drop-off happened to be at Ikea so, inevitably, hot dogs and ice cream cones were consumed before turning around and heading home to 2 napping boys. Let me take this opportunity to confess to reason #1 why I will never become Parent Of The Year: I sometimes leave the house for short periods of time whilst my boys are napping. Before you shake your head in disapproval allow me to add that a) they each nap a solid 2 hours at the very least starting around noon, b) Elliot is not capable of getting out of his crib should he wake up before I return c) Max is locked into his room where he can make a ricidulous mess (today he took off his poopy diaper and made some smelly floor and door artwork) but will remain safe. 
Where was I. Oh yes, driving along with Julia. Traffic was slow and we were inching along with people all around us in their cars looking at life in a way that is a lot like watching TV. Instead of the framework being provided by a screen, it is provided by whichever window of the car you are looking out of. The sun was hot on my left arm, but everytime we moved forward a gush of cold wind cooled it down just enough for me to be able to leave it where it was. It was a moment so mundane, so not special in any way whatsoever, and there was no reason for me to suddenly feel the way I felt. It started when the truck in front of me turned left and the sun it had been blocking suddenly hit my face with incredible intensity, nearly blinding me. The heat I felt on my face coming from that sun was an exact opposite of everything that was happening around me. It was bright, warm and familiar. In that moment a flurry of thoughts, observations, feelings and impressions  lead to a single sentence that I have really been needing to hear lately: 'You are not alone'. 
The peace I felt only stayed a short while but the effect of it is still with me and as I write this I am in awe of how profound things are revealed in small, simple and still moments. I am in awe of how the sun somehow not only warmed my arm and my face while I was in that car, but how it warmed my heart. It made me realise that I need to add more simple and still moments to my days in order to let the sun in and allow more of those thoughts and feelings into my heart. Without them I won't be able to grow, let alone bloom.
And there you have it, an experience that made me feel like I came back to life a little. How very appropriate for the season. I added some pictures I was able to make in oma Marianne's backyard with my brother-in-law's fancy SLR camera, while we were all together for Easter. I'll do a proper Easter post soon with pictures of the kids etc... I have an especially juicy one of Elliot drooling like it's the last thing he'll ever do.

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