Jan 3, 2012

So, December 31st has always been something of a scary day for me. Especially that last week of the year I would always get this feeling of dread and I felt like I needed to be doing something bigger and more meaningful. Usually I would just end up sitting in my bedroom, gazing out at the fireworks, feeling melancholy. Melancholy is one of those feelings I really excell at. I wouldn't be sad, mind you. I would sit up there, all alone, feeling wonderfully weighed down. I felt that those moments defined me, and they still do.

Despite that heaviness that permeated everything on New Year's Eve, I also always remember a wonderful anticipation, and excitement for things ahead. You know, the feelings you're supposed to have at the start of something new and pregnant with possibility (no, that wasn't a hint of any sort). Also I must admit that the fun moments that are inherent to New Year's, the games and copious amounts of ridiculous sounding foods -appelflappen and oil balls anyone?- tend to 'lighten my load'.

So, there you pretty much have me in a nutshell: I am a big ole happy loner, but only when I have plenty of friends and family at my disposition. I love feeling nostalgia, melancholy, dread... but only when I have something beautiful to look at, and fattening to eat.

New Year's Eve to me is watching Den Haag explode into reds, blues, sparkly whites, greens, purples and bright yellows. It is bonfires on every corner, greeting each other in the street while trying to keep from catching flame. It is ham rolls, deepfried dough, and fancy juice poured in crystal glasses. It's games, movies, and pretending you're not tired. It's being woken up just before midnight to come witness the big moment together with my parents. It's cabaret and trying to get through to loved ones on the phone. It's reflecting, brooding, wishing and writing in my journal. But most of all, what struck me especially this year, is that it's the still being there. Nowhere where i may have wished or hoped or thought I would ever be, but right smack in the middle of the wonderful life nonetheless.

Of course after this new year's, I can add toilet plunging (elbow deep, people) and the killing-by-neglet of small defenseless animals. Neither my fault, might I add. One is the fault of a certain pregnant sister of mine, the other could have well been prevented by my 'little' brother. I leave it a mystery for you to solve who belongs to which...

Happy New Year to all! And Goldie, may you rest in peace in the eternal sewers.

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